Saturday, November 03, 2007 10:41 pm
miss cherryinng has a new blog but... i'm too lazy to change the address on her link. anyway, that is not what i want to talk about in this post. thing is, being the curious me, i clicked on a few links on her blog; friends i know from school but do not keep in touch cause we were from from classes and ergo, different groups of friends although we do hang out together sometimes back home, back in secondary school. convent kajang is not that big. you eventually know everyone in that 5 years. reading their blogs made me realised how detached i am from those who are back home, and how i didn't fully utilise my time here in melbourne as an international student.
first of all, the only person who i actively keep in touch with is leong pei xzan. fullstop. yeap, just one. the one whom i can talk to regarding anything, whether or not she knows what i'm actually talking about (misunderstandings do happen) but always there for me to just blab on about my life, social issues or what we both love, gossip. why just one, i ask myself. why not other friends too? and i think the reason might be distance. the fact that you have different lifestyles and different friends. it's hard to find a common topic where you both can talk about. when you know little or nothing about the other person's life, it's hard to share your life with them because of misconceptions. it's hard to engage people in your life when they're on the outside. i can't imagine with 100% accuracy what their situations are like, and likewise. thus, the standard reply of "oh i see" or plain silence. it is very awkward at times. maybe that is why i seldom talk to those who are not very involved in my life at the moment, or those times when i was here.
as time pass, the distance becomes more apparent because you have less to share with each other. i think that's why i haven't a clue what happened, is happening and will happen to people i know back home for as long as i am here. i have this feeling of being an alien when i go back because of this "emptiness". will i be able to cope with this, or will i be labelled as "the bitch who thinks she's better than us just because she studied in australia for 3 years"? i wonder.
moving on, i read about a friend who is heading overseas to further her studies in the near future. here i am, about to graduate and "balik kampung" when someone else my age is leaving malaysia to be an international student. and BAM! i realised how un-international student i was for the last 2 and a half years in aussieland. did i mix with the locals? no. did i participate in anything local-ish? no. did i spend my holidays trying to experience the aussie lifestyle/travelling around australia? no. did i watch the AFL at telstra dome/mcg? no. did i go clubbing or drinking at the pub every weekend? no. well well, so what did i do? i did embrace the fashion although not without some constraints. i just can't bring myself to whole-heartedly dress up according to the styles of supre. i did call mcdonald's macca's. i did pronounce "no" as "nou" and "water" as "wodah". i did use the phrase "no worries". i did walk more; heck, i actually prefer walking as opposed to tramming for short distance. i do want to lie down on the grass and enjoy the sun. i do want to go to the beach/for a picnic at the parks. have i absorbed the aussie culture at least a little bit? i wonder.
and being the brat that i am, i do want to experience life as an international student all over again, preferably in another country. and i do wish to stay in europe (countries like norway, sweden, germany, switzerland, italy) for a short period of time (about a year), to experience a new lifestyle, new culture and to learn a new language. and maybe to reflect on my life and to discover my ambition and my passion for anything in particular. i also have this thought that if i was able to live my life as an international "whatever" again, i will try to learn as many new things as possible: to use my "status" to the fullest. i have learned my lesson. i shall break my wall (like sena in long vacation) and welcome new challenges. can i? i wonder.
now that my time here in melbourne is numbered, i worry more and more about my life when i'm home. what will it be like? will i still be clueless on what's hot and what's not? will i be comfortable with the (new) lifestyle and culture? will i be judgemental on every little single thing i deem un-australian? will i be able to cope with these differences? i wonder.
186^arch♥byz
